seasons

Today I awoke to singing in my head. I could hear the song from Rent - Seasons of Love. You know the one, I quoted below for those who don't. I loved that musical the songs were so energetic, and so memorable obviously. Maybe this is in my head because it's cooler this morning, the seasons are a changing. Now I've got Dylan "the answer my friend is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind." Must be the lack of sleep, that's got me all hazy, or maybe the late night rendition of Twinkle Little Star with my 2 yr old.

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments So Dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do you Measure - Measure A Year ?

In Daylights - In Sunsets
In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee
In Inches - In Miles
In Laughter - In Strife

In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life

How About Love ?

9/11

Six years have passed, and yet the images splashed across the media seem as raw as that day. My thoughts are with everyone who lost someone that day, and to all who were affected in other ways, if it is true that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, then in my eyes you are all truly some of the bravest and most robust people on earth. If it is possible to have a favorite funeral poem, without it being too morbid - then this would be mine. To me, it seems as appropriate for a memorial, so here follows W. H. Audens Funeral Blues/Stop All The Clocks.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

busy days..

Time just flies past me at warp speed. I can't believe I'm already going into my 4th month of this pregnancy. My two toddlers say more words everyday, and grow taller, and I like to think wiser too. My Malamute puppy now dwarfs my Lab. Suddenly the trees in my street are turning orange and red. And I hear there might be a cold front sweeping through soon - hooray! My pin-up shoot with Viva was postponed until the 23rd, so I'll have my pics up here by the end of the month. Saturday was a crazy day for me. A film crew, reporter and all arrived to interview me on what I've been doing since I left Scotland. They filmed me with my family and took lots of footage of my jewelry, so I hope to sell loads when it airs! This weekend I'm on the road selling my wares at the Queens County Fair, Saturday and Sunday - come see me - mention this blog and get a free Vargas print!

Rockaway

Spent the late part of the afternoon and the early part of tonight at Rockaway. The beach is fantastic. We collected sea glass and some amazing shells molded into perfect pendant shapes by the lashing Atlantic Ocean. I took this pic along with plenty others, so much opportunity there, I only wish my camera was faster!

August in NYC

I wish there were more air. August in NY - who'd have it?! I know it's not so long before Fall rolls in, so I can just about hold out until then. I'm going to most likely be on a local television show back home. My Granma loves the show, so I'm sure she'll get a kick out of it. The reporter will follow me around on my daily life here in NY, as an ex-pat. I'll have to start doing interesting things immediately, so my friends back home think "wow what an interesting life she has now" - haha. I was never voted most likely to succeed in school, we don't have that kind of thing in rural Scotland. But I always promised everyone I would get out and see the world, which I have, so all is calm. I'm almost finished designing my new shop site. Just a few more pages to go, then my wonderful husband has to put everything up, yay for having a computer whiz in my bed. I'm rescheduling my pin-up shoot to mid September, so my other site won't be up til October. Hey, at least I can think on, that when that's finally done the cold might actually have returned to the City - what a lovely thought!

Not waving

Being single, for me gave me a constant feeling of drowning. Being married is like coming ashore. I still get to sit on the sand and look out to the ocean, and remember the times when I was able to keep my head above water. But thank goodness I'm not gasping for breath anymore. One of my brothers painted a picture for my Mum a few years ago of a guy with his arm up, in the middle of the ocean. He called it "Not waving, but drowning", after the poem by Stevie Smith. For me being on my own was definitely like this. He recently ended a longterm relationship with a good friend of mine, and I worry for him. It's funny how I feel great about my other 2 brothers, both in relationships, but feel scared for the one who's single. Is it ever possible to distance our own feelings about something enough to see others can survive in that situation? I hope as I get older and wiser I learn to, because it's hard worrying about someone who is only 2 years younger than me.

EDIT: My single brother is not single anymore, so much so that he's on holiday with his girlfriend on a remote Scottish island - WHY AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW!?! Hey but at least I feel good about him again :)

I need a phonecall

"These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way
I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat
And I get no answers
And I don't get no change"

secret gardens

I've never not had a garden. The rowhouse shoebox I live in now, with surrounding apartment buildings blocking the sky, and undesirables throwing their daily trash onto my property certainly doesn't allow for one. When I was a child, and also when my eldest daughter was younger, we had wonderful gardens to exhaust ourselves in. My daughters favorite movie is still The Secret Garden. There's something magical about being able to let your children out the back door and watch them run off to smell the flowers and check on their vegetable patch. Or seeing your dogs get rid of their energy outside of your livingroom. The parks near me are full of people who've never heard of taking turns on the swings, and who let their children happily knock mine off the slide or the stairs, without telling them that's wrong. And with the majority of them not being able to understand English, it's a little hard for me to ask them kindly not to do that. When I was little I loved having a climbing frame and swings in my garden. I adored my little garden my Mummy planted with me. Watching things grow, learning to feed and water the plants. I did the same for my eldest. She was in heaven picking her own flowers she'd grown from seed. Being able to have a bbq in your garden, letting your kids laugh loudly and run around on the grass, your dogs bark, without worrying about complaints from your 2 feet away neighbors. These things aren't important to City types, but they're important to me. Children are only little for such a short time, when they hit the 8 or 9 yr mark, none of this matters so much anymore. It just makes me so sad to know that my little children will never have what they should have - freedom to be themselves.

puppies

Where the hell's the rain? Bring it on, and with it bring Fall. Who wants to be in NYC in August - not I. I hate not being able to breathe when I walk out of my AC-ed home. It's not the heat I can't take it's the damned humidity. I was in Alaska this time 3 years ago, it was warm but crisp, the air was clear. Oh how I wish I was there now! Speaking of the North - I got my Malamute puppy on Wednesday, havn't slept since! She howls all night, it's like sleeping amongst a pack of wolves, but without the danger. Sort of. News on a personal front - I'm expecting my 4th child in March. Easy way of announcing to all my friends, who I constantly spam to read this thing. My Pin-up shoot is 3 weeks tomorrow - I'm going to have to use and extra strong corset to keep bubba in check ;-)

book worm

It rained so hard yesterday my walls leaked.. not pretty. The air today was still muggy though - go figure. I'm longing for clean, crisp Autumn, and it's only mid-July. I've had a lot of positive response in my search for motorbike pics for the book. Out of over a hundred, only one or two were looking for "what's in it for them". I guess I was naive to believe everybody who owns a bike wants nothing more than to see their pride and joy in print, for all the world to marvel! It's my idealistic world, and I'll live in it if I want ;) Maybe if those type of people actually look into the amount of time and work it takes to create a photograph book and also the amount of money one has to pay to have it published, they would go back under their rock long enough not to spoil this idea for others. Rant over. I caught 2 kittens in my garden this week, in one of those things trappers use - guess it's true you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl... (oh and I took them to the shelter.. just realized that trapping them sounded kind of bad hah)

tigers

I entered this into a competition for a vintage poster - didn't win but I still love it! Yay for tigers.

all about me

Here is a small (literally), taster for those of you eagerly awaiting my August pictorial, hehe - I know there are MANY of you! Oh and some good news for my design career - a banner I designed came into the top ten in a competition on a model site I'm on, so yay for me for a number of things today!

So... a reporter in Homer, Alaska is running a story on my whole book thang! Yay for me! Now a little bit about beautiful Homer. When I traveled to Alaska in the summer of 2004, I only ventured as far as Seward, but after reading up on Homer, I'll be sure to go on my next trip! The phrase on their tourist site says "Welcome, to where the road ends, and the sea begins..." and this is a perfect way of describing this wonderful place. Kachemak Bay and lower Cook Inlet waters are world renown for halibut fishing. I had a Halibut sandwich in Anchorage, it was amazing! Some little known facts about Homer - Archaeologists have uncovered stone tools that date back more than 5,000 years and were left by the Ocean Bay people. Hey I'm Scottish and 5000 years is a long time even for me! - Maps of Kachemak Bay from the 1800s identify the rich coal deposits embedded in the bluffs on Kachemak Bay’s north shore. The abundance of the coal drew the North Pacific Mining and Transportation Co. and the Alaska Coal Co. to develop a coal mining industry. I had no idea Alaska was known for coal, oil seems to stand out more than anything else. As for many peoples belief that you can't go to Alaska in winter time - Snow can start falling in October. Serious snow comes in November, and in the higher elevations can last until May. Beluga Lake and other ponds can be safe and ready for skating by December. In town, snow rarely gets more than a couple of feet thick, while in the hills the snow pack can reach 10 feet or deeper by winter’s end. Sounds no worse than New York! Then there's the Homer Spit - a naturally occurring phenomenon extending four miles from the mainland into the depths of Kachemak Bay, which is a busy port and the center of Homer’s sport and commercial fishing industry. Overhead, bald eagles take to flight in the fresh air circling high above and bear, moose and wolves keep to the peninsula’s forested areas. Sounds like heaven on earth to me. I've been trying to persuade my husband that Alaska is as close to Scotland as we'll get without leaving the US, maybe Homer's the place for us. (All facts from various sources, please correct me if I'm wrong)

Happy 4th everyone! Have a great day, and stay safe.

I'm currently compiling a series of three coffee table books which will contain Diners of America, Bikes of America and Trucks of America. I'm asking people all over the US, to email me photographs of their local Americana diners, fantastic motorbikes, and big trucks. The email addresses for submitting the photographs are:-

diners@bellebramble.com
motorbikes@bellebramble.com
trucks@bellebramble.com

So long as the photographs are clear enough they will be included in my books, alongside the name, town and state of the person who took the photograph. The person can be in the shot if they like. Please feel free to email me any questions you may have.

It's the best feeling in the world when things seem to happen for a reason, out of the blue, serendipity. Confession time - I read Martha Stewart Living magazine. This months has a wonderful article about Montana - big sky country, I love it! There was a paragraph that stopped me in my tracks; it read "It is important to Hazel's father, Howard, that she experience the life as he once knew it: in a rustic setting where there are no computers and cell phone service is spotty at best. But there is the great outdoors to explore. There are cousins and grandparents, neighbors and friends. There is good food, and there is laughter."(credit to Kimberly Fusaro) As I read that article and looked at the photos of the huge trees, and vast space, I longed once again for my country life. I had a fleeting thought of heading for the hills, and all that entails. Then I put it to the back of my mind, and left it there. Got on with my big city life. Then tonight as I moved my husbands jeans, a quarter hit the floor. I picked it up and casually glanced at it - Montana 1889 Big Sky Country; call it a coincidence, I call it perfect.

I lasted three whole days haha.. I miss running (no energy). Looking after 2 toddlers is just too much on this food free fiasco! I will stick to the traditional exercise and moderation in what I eat thank you very much. Oh and the dizzyness, I fainted once and almost 2 other times, so alas this fast is not for me. I just started a new myspace page for my pin-up modelling - look out for belle bramble - and I found a great photographer who specializes in retro pics so all is looking bright. And I can eat a proper meal again - yay!

In preparation for my pictorial, and to be honest, because I like to try gimmicks - today is my first day on The Master Cleanse. Ten days of consuming spicy lemonade and nothing else - hmmm. I won't give you specific starting numbers and inches, but I will next Friday post how much weight I lost and whether I feel good or bad etc. I have detoxed before, and always felt better, but it's the sluggish days in the beginning I can't stand. So we'll see if I go the whole hog.. oh hog, pig, pork chops, bacon argh..

Why must there be an answer for everything? Why must everyone be classed as something other than plain ordinary. When I lived in Los Angeles, I couldn't believe how many people would tell me they were in anger management class, in Alcohol Anons or had a therapist to "handle childhood issues". When they went deeper into explaining the need for a therapist, turned out it was their therapist who decided they had childhood issues, they were blissfully unaware of this until their first session. After my cousin hung himself following years of drug addiction I did feel that serious things needed to be handled correctly - but why can't we handle the little things ourselves anymore? It seems half of young Hollywood is in Rehab, then they come out and they're back to their old ways, so what was the point? I read recently that child molestors and rapists are being classed as sex addicts. Whaa?! Why on earth do we need to class the creeps as anything other than in need of a bullet in the brain. I love sex, and all that goes with it, does that make me a sex addict too? Who was it.. Michael Douglas, I think, famously admitted he was a sex addict. Hang on, he is or was a hot actor living the life of Riley in LA, why can't he just be a cad, a cat, one of the guys? I am a hot headed Scot, with a big mouth to go with it, do I need anger management? Do I hell. Rant over.

When your child is very sick, it's like the world stops turning, and all that matters is holding your baby. I've been MIA of late due in part to my baby girl being in hospital with pneumonia. Being aged 1 with a 106 fever is no fun for anyone concerned. Neither was the 3am text of "I don't want to lose her" to my husband. Suddenly my world revolved around her and I didn't care about anything other than being able to take her home. The waiting of course is the hardest thing about anything. We waited for a test to come back for 2 days, that would say "take her home she'll be fine" or "there's a chance she won't make it". It's strange how suddenly I was able to stay awake for 48 hours without collapsing. And every time she made a squeak I was able to jump to her every need. Even though in my heart I knew it might not, I was able to look in her hysterical face and tell her it would be ok, when they were taking blood for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night. I compare it to my fear of flying. For days, weeks even, before I fly I am scared rigid, heart palpitations - the works. Then when the plane takes off, suddenly I feel a calm wash over me. It's out of my hands, whether I live or die isn't up to me anymore. When my baby was at her sickest I felt calm in the knowledge that their was nothing I could do to save her. So I closed my eyes, and held her close and told her all would be well, and fortunately it is.

Congratulations to John & Laura on the birth of your little bundle of joy!

Why is it that when wearing an all white outfit - liquid seems to fall from the sky? First a kid spilled his bright red juice on the table and luckily I managed to jump out of the way right before it would have poured all over my linen skirt... then my daughter grabbed my coffee cup and spilled coffee all over the same table. That time I couldn't get out of the way, and ended up having to wash said skirt in my cousins kitchen sink, with her husband ever so helpfully offering to help ;-) I want to wish all Mothers a happy and relaxing day tomorrow. And note to self.. don't wear white.

I am sick and tired of hearing 'people' spout about how it's "OK that Polar Bears become extinct because hey we'll be extinct one day too". It's natural. Or how it's alright for Eskimo tribes in Northern Alaska to hunt and kill one type of whale "for food" - when these guys walk around in designer sunglasses and the latest Rei gear. And there are only 8000 of the type of whale left in the whole of the Arctic Ocean. I will never apologise for my belief that it is not OK for us - humans - to cause extinction. I wish there was a happy medium in getting the word out. On one hand there's the Liberal BStters and crazed animal rights groups, that make everybody want to turn a blind eye just to escape their crap. On the other side you have the people like my husband, Conservatives who believe in hunting and the right to bare arms, and believe global warming is a normal part of the "story" of this planet. And of course neither side agree on anything, so where does that leave the animals? For the most part on the decline, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do, because they're all too busy arguing about politics. Rant over.

One thing I miss terribly about Scotland, is being close to my 3 brothers. I don't have a get-out-guy anymore. I don't have anyone I can call at anytime and say "pick me up - I need to just sit a while". I miss having someone who'll drive me to look out point, without there being any strings attached. That's the thing about moving yourself 3000 miles from home - you have to get used to the fact that you are on your own. I've always felt like a caged animal in the sense that sometimes I want to be set free, even just for an hour or so. And that's what I miss about having my brothers and friends around me - I have no where to run to.

Have you ever looked up at the sky and imagined what's beyond it? Sometimes I stare above and think wow - we're on a planet, on the face of this round globe and beyond is vast and endless. I look at the moon and am awestruck by the fact it's there, always there, shining on. The stars are like magical fairies flickering away. And they are trillions of miles away. I also think what's beneath me, not the hardwood floors or the grass. Below that. The earth. The core. I often ponder on the size of the oceans. I think what it would be like if you scooped all the water out and how big the Atlantic really is. There are millions upon millions of people who go about their everyday lives, and they never in their whole life stop to think of anything other than the daily grind. They don't see the bigger picture. And I feel sorry for them. Because as much as the thought of these things scare me, they also enthrall me with their possibilities and mysteries.

My son broke my nose on Sunday. He's 2 - he's allowed. Today is the first day I've been able to breathe without my eyes watering, so all is good. Praise to my myspace friend Olivia De Berardinis who is definitely the best modern day pin-up artist there is.

I read today that a new company has released a test to determine the sex of a baby just 6 weeks into the pregnancy. There's been another company doing this test for years, so I don't know why this is headline, but hey.. I also read the many objections to this, based on a worry that people will abort based on the baby being a boy or a girl. While I understand that concern, I think it's fantastic that this kind of science is available to regular Joes in the comfort of their own home. We'll be having another one soon, and I am all for dropping $250 to find out! For me finding out the sex was the highlight of my pregnancies. I am terrible at waiting for anything and love to get excited about names, new baby clothes and playing out how that baby will interact with our existing children. Today I wish all the luck in the world to Byron and Lincoln Ryman born eleven weeks premature. Although they were born within a minute of each other, firstborn Byron weighed 3lb 6oz and Lincoln weighed only 1lb 2oz. Yesterday the pair, who are now just over five weeks old, were doing well, thanks to the wonderful staff at the Royal Hospital for Women in Sydney. The Daily Mail in the UK has the story and the truly amazing pics. I also want to send my prayers for the safe return of little Madeleine McCann, a British girl aged 3 who is feared kidnapped from a holiday complex in Portugal. If you've read the story you'll know that the parents left her and her younger twin siblings alone in their bedroom while they ate at the restaurant on the complex. While I think the parents were crazy for doing that, I don't wish losing a child on anyone.

On this day in 1707 England, Wales & beautiful, magical Scotland were united to form Great Britain. Now I'm not saying it was the biggest mistake ever, but ;-) Also today in 1883 Buffalo Bill had his first Wild West Show! Yee haw... Did you know Dukes of Hazards General Lee is for sale on ebay? If you have a spare $3m then go for it - I love that car! UPDATE make that a spare $9,901,001.00 and with 3 hours to go, possibly a lot more!

I feel so happy today. This morning I saw the first bumble bees of the year, my Mum confirmed she’s coming over in 3 weeks, the blossom fell from my giant tree and left bright green leaves, and I reread Charlottes Web yesterday. Here is one of my favorite paragraphs: “The barn was very large. It was very old. It smelled of hay and it smelled of manure. It smelled of the perspiration of tired horses and the wonderful sweet breath of patient cows. It often had a sort of peaceful smell – as though nothing bad could happen ever again in the world.” This for me evokes vivid memories of my childhood, and brings my love of the countryside flooding right back. But today in this lovely Spring weather, with my summer bulbs 2 inches up and the blossom blowing around me - the City doesn’t look quite so bad.

It's good fishing weather - crappy. What happened to my Spring?! It's cold, rainy and a little windy damn it. The blue sky has been replaced by a dull blanket of gloom. It's dreich as we say in Scotland. But according to my husband "It can't rain all the time", and my day will certainly brighten up considerably when he comes home :-)

On a brighter, more positive note - Spring has most definitely sprung! Joy. In my tiny City garden my tulips are blazing red and orange, and my daffodils are gorgeous yellow. There are tiny blue flowers spreading all over and I have no idea what they are, but they are lovely. My butterfly bush is covered in new growth, and brings back images of last summer, when it seemed every Monarch in the neighborhood landed to feed. Most of the plants I presumed dead, now have bright green shoots and lots of buds. Oh hark I feel like singing! My huge tree in the back garden is covered in blossom, and finally, the apartment buildings behind are vanishing once again. The sky is bright blue and the sun is warm. Oh and I'm wearing a gorgeous red polka dot sun dress. I am happy.

My Mother became very ill over the weekend, to the point where she couldn't raise her head from dizziness. My cousin died from a brain hemorrhage when he was a child, so everyone sort of panicked when seeing my mum become so ill so quickly. It turned out to be a middle ear infection, and she is now recovering. She said she had awful thoughts go through her head about her Will not being up to date, and the way it was presently, the government would take most of our inheritance. Having just sold the family estate in Scotland, after the death of my Grandmother, we know all about how much the British Government gets their hands on. Capital gains, Inheritance taxes etc, - how awful that you're forced to think these thoughts on top of being worried about your family, or being just plain scared of death. The horror of it is when I worked for the Deputy Prime Minister back in the first few years of Labour being in power, they were rumoured to have millions of pounds of collected taxes sitting in accounts, that they had no clue what to do with. Bring back the Conservatives - where have all the Churchill's gone? Even Thatcher is an angel compared to the Blair witch. Rant over.

So my weekend in the country was a little different than expected. Instead of gaining happiness from my sales, I was happy because of the people I met. It's amusing how much fun it is to be thrown in the middle of people you would ordinarily never meet in your daily life. To my right I had the good old Irish/Italian/German/Americans, waiting for their grandchildren to come. Lovely people with interesting stories. Sad stories, the death of 1 of their 5 children. Great stories, of the lady taking time out of her career to raise all of her children at home, and her strong beliefs that I was doing the right thing working from home, in order to raise mine. She ran a cheesecake business during those years, and look at me and my love of the cheesecake art? Totally different but yet the same. Stories of their trips to England, and losing all the photos they took in the x-ray machine at the airport. They said how quaint my accent is, and how funny the word differences are. Then to my left, the "country" biker folks y'all. The man was in his late 40s with children varying from 30 years old right down to 18 and several grandchildren. Plaid shirts abound. He was selling hunting gear, gun cabinets and the like. He had a full table of back issues of Easy Rider. He talked excitedly about all the party's he'd been to where he had picked up those magazines, and quite a few girls along the way. I was captivated. I loved the way he talked so passionately about the bikes, the hunting, the life. He was pure country. I felt at home, even though sometimes we couldn't understand a word either of us were saying. I told him of my love for Harley's. So he told me all the ins and outs of getting the right one, where to go, who to trust, what to look for. He showed me centerfolds in those magazines of pictures drawn by an artist who died recently. He spoke of them like they were Monet, or Vargas for that matter. His eyes were alive. Some people label guys like him "red-necks". They call them uneducated and they are portrayed in comedy sketches like Larry the cable guy, as being dumb. But to me for the most part, people like him are people who are dedicated to working to live, and not stuck in the rat race of living to work. That's important you know. Why is it that every week I am thrown a new hurdle in my struggle to like City life? I miss not caring what time it is. I miss fields and trees. On Saturday night we went for a twilight stroll. We came across a fat frog sitting on the road. We closely examined it with my husbands flashlight, I want to say torch, but don't want anyone thinking I go around with a flaming beacon of any kind ;-) Anyway we presumed it dead, and as I was putting my son back in his stroller it hopped away into the hedgerow. The excitement and laughter that followed made my night! Then we came across 3 horses. We all petted them and I delighted in that long forgotten smell, of years past. It's the simple things that count in this life.

This weekend's going to be a scorcher! High 70s where I'm heading. I have my first show of the season this weekend, so I've been crazy busy all week making jewelry and printing Varga Girls, oh it's a hard life! This morning the sky is the deepest blue I've seen in a long time, it reminds me that summer's just around the corner, which is enough to make me jump for joy, or dust off my bikini at the very least.

It's 12 years ago today that the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, OK, was destroyed by a bomb. It was the worst bombing on U.S. territory. 168 people were killed including 19 children, and over 500 were injured. The worst part of this sentence for me is "19 children". It tears me apart. As a Scot, it brings back horrific memories of Dunblane; where a mad man shot and killed 16 young children. I know the pain shouldn't be worse, a death is a death. But the image, that won the Pulitzer prize, of the firefighter with the infant that later died, truly haunts me to the core of my existence. I see it - I cry. I have a gut wrenching feeling every time I think of it. So I try not to. Maybe because I am the mother of 3 small children. Maybe it feels more raw to me. There's a line in a System of a Down song "I cry when angels deserve to die". It gets me every time. Makes me think, but why? Angels never deserve to die. I read deeply into things that hurt me, even song lyrics that bear no meaning to what I hear them as. My heart aches for all the lost children. Today even more so.

There are less than 200,000 wolves left in the wild. Shocking right? Since I was a child wolves have been my favorite animal. Bears follow. There's something about their eyes that captivates me. I've been keeping me eye on a man amongst wolves. Shaun Ellis, a fellow Brit, lives with a pack of wolves in England. Abandoned by their Mother, he took on her role and taught them to be wild. Now honestly I can't really bear to watch him eating deer flesh alongside them, but it's so fascinating I can hardly take my eyes off it. He came up with the concept that a recording of wolves howling might be enough to keep other wolves from coming onto farmland to kill livestock. And it actually works.. so far. There's much scientific research being done, to prove this as being a valid way to combat this problem. If it proves successful, and the sceptics accept and use this method - hopefully wolf numbers will increase, as the farmers will stop shooting them.

Apparently last nights dream meant : "that I have feelings of insecurity and am going through some personal changes and I'm entering into a new phase or new area in my life. Oh and that I "feel neglected". According to a dream analysis site that is. I don't think any of this is true, but I wonder what a gypsy would say? Would she look into her crystal ball and tell me of hard times to come, emotional ones at that? When my Mother was a child she had dreams that followed on the next night. She dreamt she was a little girl living in the past, wearing "old-fashioned clothing"; she saw the house, garden and people she lived with every night for many years. Every morning she would wake up and have gone through another part of that girls life. Some people would suggest that in a previous life my Mum was that girl. When I was pregnant I would constantly dream of my husband being with one of his exes, he wasn't cheating on me with them, just walking around - happy. It killed me, because I was the most horrible pregnant woman in the world. The worst part for him was I would wake up and yell at him. I blame hormones, he blames me being Scottish! According to the analysis sites, having this dream while pregnant is caused by feelings of insecurity, and anxiety over the impending birth. Well, hey! Tell me something I don't know. I seem to always have dreams about running away from something, being chased. Apparently there may be something I am supposed to do but have been avoiding. If this proposed action is a source of fear, stress and confusion, it can sometimes manifest in my dream life as an attacker or pursuer. Instead of facing my fear, I am running from it, and the attacker in my dreams represents the thing I am trying to get away from or avoid in real life. So if I really believed in all this I would be a pretty miserable person in my waking life!

Who decided darkness was scary? I'm much more afraid of the light. Is it the sense of the unknown that exists with darkness? What you can't see won't hurt you... right? Surely daylight is more frightening, when what scares you is in full view in all it's gory detail. Who made the rain depressing? I love the rain. "It washes the $hit out of the city". I like the way it feels on my skin, and the sound it makes when it hits the window. When did thunder become something to fear? To me it's pure magic, like a dragon roaring. Why did the forest become a bad place? I grew up surrounded by trees, and to me it gave protection and shelter. Tonight when driving home from Upstate NY, we passed hundreds of thousands of trees packed tightly together, bare from winter, with darkness falling, and the 'end of winter' storm lashing them with rain and snow - it looked like Narnia out there, and it gave me butterflies.

"Now Friday came, you old wives say, Of all the week's the unluckiest day." (1656) For those of you who suffer from triskaidekaphobia, fear of the number 13th, today is not such a great day. Imagine also suffering from what I think is the longest word I've ever seen - paraskavedekatriaphobia, which is a fear of Fridays. Friday is my favourite day, and my Mother in Laws birth date is the 13th, so today is just another day for me. But for those of you who believe in all this, here are some more things to be worried about. "If you hear anything new on a Friday, it gives you another wrinkle on your face, and adds a year to your age." (1883), "If you have been ill, don't get up for the first time on a Friday." (1923), "As to Friday, a couple married on that day are doomed to a cat-and-dog life." (1879), and my favorite of all "A child born on a Friday is doomed to misfortune." (1846), - nice. Even nicer is the fact I was born on a Tuesday, meaning I'm "full of grace" - someone should have told that to my Scottish dance teacher. You would have heard her laughing the world over.

Congratulations to Rob & Lori on the birth of your beautiful baby girl. Mina - a beautiful name for an absolutely perfect angel! Having children is truly the best trip of your life. So much happiness. Enjoy her!

I really miss Scotland today. I miss it everyday, but there's something about feeling trapped that makes you long for "home". The City makes me feel that way. The big buildings jammed all around me, so many people, the grime and crime, the roaches and rats. I want to walk through a field of wildflowers, go horseback riding along the beach, sit on top of a mountain, and cry my heart out. Listen for the faintest sound of bagpipes, and the chill that comes with it. A sense of belonging. Feeling part of something much bigger than the daily. I know I made the wrong choice. Being in the big smoke is hard for a country girl. I need peace. I need to hear the birds sing. I feel lost, again.

I am so excited. This summer I'll be saying arrivederci to NYC and ciao to Italy. I'm heading to Tuscany to visit family, then on to Scotland for more of the same, but without the gelato!

Wishing you all a Happy Easter! Special mention goes out to the luckiest bunny of all, the Lower Keys Marsh Rabbit, Sylvilagus palustris hefneri,who is found in marshes in the Florida Keys from Big Pine to Boca Chica. It is known as the "playboy bunny" because its research was financed in part by the Playboy Foundation. And happy birthday to Hef himself, who celebrates being 81 years young this Monday. Also, I admit it, yes, sadly I am addicted to the Girls Next Door :-/

The attendants at the movie theater always look lost. People around them are out having fun, catching the latest flick, candy and coke in hand. Right now I feel like I'm sure they do. Life is passing me by. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me one last time, and it's hard to find the way through the smoke. Hard to make it back from down there. Sometimes in life you're hit with a blow so strong you feel you might not recover. But then good things are happening all around you, and what are you going to do? You can't just stay caught up in your own moment. Darkness. You have to find a way to turn your light on. Clear a path through the clouds, and find your way home. The older I get, and the more blows I'm dealt, the more I realize that if at first you don't succeed try, try again - is real. And this life is the real deal, the only chance you have to keep on keeping on. So I have to give it my best shot. Plus frowning gives you wrinkles, never a good thing.

I love the smell of creosote it takes me back to when I was a child growing up in the beautiful countryside in Scotland. We had wooden fences and there’s something about that smell that comforts me. I love the smell of a workshop, the oil, the metal, the wood, reminds of my Father, back when he was my Father. Fresh hay - that quintessential musty smell of summers past, another one of my “should be bottled” scents. I do not love, and in fact really detest, the smell of that perfume – the one it seems every Russian woman owns. In this neighborhood the air is thick with it, the kind of perfume that sticks to the back of your throat and makes your eyes sting. Ladies, less is more.

Finally this week, the heat returned to NY - yay! Today is a little chilly, but I'm starting to get that feeling in my gut; the same one that appeared when school was almost out for summer. OK I admit it - the same one I get when I hear DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - Summertime ;-) I know come September I'll be praying for snow, but I'm just going to sit here a little longer and enjoy the tease that is Springtime in the City.

It is 701 years today since one of the greatest Scottish warriors was crowned King of Scotland. I grew up in Dumfriesshire, famous for amongst other things, the cave where after suffering defeat, Robert the Bruce went into hiding in 1313. He spent three months living a solitary existence at a time when The Wars of Independence were at their bleakest for the Scots, While evading capture by Edward Longshanks the first of England. Whilst in the cave and at the depths of despair, King Robert happened to watch a spider attempting to build a web - the spider would spin then fall, get up and spin again and again relentlessly until it eventually made the web. This gave Robert heart and is reputed to be the birth of the saying - If at first you don't succeed try, try and try again. King Robert then went forth from the cave on Cove estate, raised an army and won the Historic Battle of Bannockburn in 1314 - even though he was outnumbered ten to one. He established his claim to the throne and thus the beginning of freedom for Scotland. This photo is of the beautiful Loch Linnhe. There's something amazing about the sunsets in Scotland, and they're even better while drinking a cocktail such as the Scottish Sunset! Mix 4oz OJ, 1/2 Orange liqueur, 1 oz coconut rum, 1 oz grenadine, 1 oz scotch, add slices of lime and orange, and enjoy.

I watched “300” on IMAX two weeks ago, with my good friend Dino, a real Spartan no less! Tonight, I watched it again. There’s something about Spartans and Highlanders , I relate - we are one. Warriors. I immediately recognized the lead actor as being Scottish. There was something about the way he said “down’ and ‘done”( and if your Scottish, you'll know what I mean) - it reminded me of my elder brother, Ross, who has lived in Paisley, Scotland for the past 14 years. As soon as I got home from watching the movie, I googled the lead, and found out that sure enough, he is Paisley-bred. I feel complete. Somehow being able to recognize your own, makes you feel “one” with it all. Some of the greatest movie quotes of all time are now part of the history of this film, - “Spartans, tonight, we dine in hell!”, - “Give them nothing! But take from them everything!”, “Then we will fight in the shade.”, and my personal favorite “Madness? This is Sparta!” You can use this everyday – if you can’t be on time – “I’M LATE? - >:-O THIS IS SPARTA!”, or “I FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY? – “>:-O THIS IS SPARTA”, I promise.. it will work. Oh and to all who are interested, I have three brothers who all bare a striking resemblance to Gerard Butler ;-)

And you thought today was just another day? Today in history : 1513 - Don Juan Ponce de Leon, a former governor of Puerto Rico, discovered Florida. He claimed the land for Spain; 1657 - France and England formed an alliance against Spain; 1794 - Josiah G. Pierson patented a rivet machine; 1808 - Napoleon's brother Joseph took the throne of Spain; 1836 - The coin press was invented by Franklin Beale; 1840-The first successful photo of the Moon was taken; 1857 - Elisha Otis installed the first modern passenger elevator in a public building. It was at the corner of Broome Street and Broadway in New York City; 1858 - Eleazer A. Gardner patented the cable streetcar; 1861 - London's first tramcars began operations; 1868-The University of California was founded in Oakland, CA; 1881 - The Boers and Britain signed a peace accord ending the first Boer war; 1889 - U.S. President Harrison opened Oklahoma for white colonization, 1901 - Dame Nellie Melba, revealed the secret of her now famous toast; 1903 - The Wright brothers obtained an airplane patent; 1909 - British Lt. Shackleton found the magnetic South Pole; 1912 - The Dixie Cup was invented; 1918 - Lithuania proclaimed independence; 1919 - Benito Mussolini founded his Fascist political movement in Milan, Italy; 1951 - U.S. paratroopers descended from flying boxcars in a surprise attack in Korea; 1957 - The U.S. Army sold the last of its homing pigeons; 1965 - America's first two-person space flight took off from Cape Kennedy with astronauts Virgil I. Grissom and John W. Young aboard. The craft was the Gemini 3; 1972 - Evel Knievel broke 93 bones after successfully jumping 35 cars; 1983 - U.S. President Reagan first proposed development of technology to intercept enemy missiles. The proposal became known as the Strategic Defense Initiative and "Star Wars; 1989 - A 1,000-foot diameter asteroid missed Earth by 500,000 miles; 1989 - Two electrochemists, Stanley Pons and Martin Fleischman, announced that they had created nuclear fusion in a test tube at room temperature. Wow, no ordinary day (according to www.on-this-day.com)

Sometimes I feel so happy about my life that I squeal. Not even just inside, actually out loud. Frightening! I think it’s so important to find happiness in the small things. Things that happen everyday. Like when I see the woodpecker on the tree, or the possum at night. I even got excited about having two raccoons fighting in my garden earlier this week. In the middle of Brooklyn no less! Children are the easiest examples in the pursuit of everyday happiness. The way my 1 yr old daughter’s nose wrinkles when she grins. My 2yr old boy’s “joker” smile, ear to ear. My eldest daughters loud hearty laugh – I glow inside. The way the first extra dark Swiss chocolate truffle just melts, when it touches my tongue, and the fact that despite my addiction to the above I still have a body shaped like a fender. Then there’s the fact that after 3 years of marriage and two babies in two years - my husband still can’t keep his hands off me, not that I’d ever want to stop him. That’s another thing – the feeling of unbridled passion and a love so deep you feel it in every move he makes; every single time I catch a glimpse of him. Just now I am completely absorbed in my boutique. Planning color schemes, furniture, and searching for the perfect things to sell, is just so exciting. All in all, the kind of happiness I have right now gives me that sick feeling in my gut, that drives me on, and no matter what I’m dealt, I can handle it. I believe if everyone looks at the small things and takes pleasure in them, life can be sweeter. Pass it on.

New Year – new questions… Not the “who am I - why am I here” variety, oh no - much more serious than that! More like “what is my signature perfume, and why can’t I find a style of dressing that is me”? Or here’s one – what drink am I? Am I a light beer or a martini?; and why can’t I make up my mind and stick to it long enough to be that me? Tonight I am a light beer, jeans tucked into over the knee boots, black T kind of girl.. But this girl is wearing Chanel No. 5. Doesn’t add up does it? I want to be the chic sassy lady a la Kidman or Monroe for that matter, who slept in this scent… but alas it just isn’t me. So do I go back to Armani, and keep the boots? Do I drink a margarita with that look? I mean really, none of this matters to anyone but me, right? And yet to me it feels like if I can’t even work out what my “look”, drink or scent is, then how do I find myself?… So that takes me back to the who am I question, I thought I wasn’t asking myself. I thought by the time I was heading toward the big 30, I would be a sorted individual. I believed I would have found the look, the drink, the real deal – the real me. I was wrong. I bought Dita’s book today, but only because the “Team” shirts aren’t out yet.