Thursday, July 17, 2008


I'll start by saying thank you. I got a lovely email from a reader that really brightened my week. I forget sometimes, that people actually read this, it's always just been a way of me steadying myself when times are tough, reassuring myself of better tomorrows and shouting to the world when the good times are rolling. I'm glad you like it. What follows however isn't exactly pleasant fodder - so I recommend you change the channel now! I used to fly back and forth between Los Angeles and London, 11 hour direct flights without a care in the world. I treated turbulence as if it were a roller coaster, and grinned all through it. I had no fear. These days even a 7 hr flight has me almost throwing up and getting that shaky, sweaty feeling - every slight shudder of turbulence chills me to my core. You see of late, the past 3 years actually, I have felt fear almost every day of my life. It's always of the same variety. I have the greatest fear of dying you see. I know that many parents feel the same, the fear of leaving their children to fend for themselves, but with me its like I can't see something joyful without having that icy chill of "that could be the last time" etc.. My Mother would say it's the Scottish Presbyterian in me. I read an interview today for W Magazine where Penelope Cruz said "I’m always finding very tricky and hidden ways to sabotage any beautiful moment. And it’s something so internal that I don’t think even my friends or family can catch me doing it. But I catch myself doing it. I’ve had that battle since I was a little girl. It’s like, Uh-oh, here it is again, the monster! Go away and leave me alone!" To many that will sound cuckoo - but to me I found myself nodding my head as I read. It's not even that I am a pessimistic person, it's just that I find myself unable to fully enjoy times because of the underlying fear of what lies ahead. Tonight I found myself questioning my religion, I was trying to work out what best fitted my fear, and which had th e most likely chance of reincarnation. You see I always thought deja vu was to do with reincarnation, something like we keep coming back as ourselves, getting many chances to choose the right path, correct wrongs, until finally our lives are perfect and great. Maybe I need to see a shrink, Ally McBeal style, or maybe I need to take up Yoga. Maybe having 3 babies in as many years has played havoc on my brain as well as my hormones! Whatever I do to fix this, I know I have to find a way to lay these demons to rest. Tonight I told my husband I don't want to live to die, for I am dying to live.

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